So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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