I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
