Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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