i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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