Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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