Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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