Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
