had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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