I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
