a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
