I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
