He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
