Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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