FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
