I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
