Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
