Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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