you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Randomize
