I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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