saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
