i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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