someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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