Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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