So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
