Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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