When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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