So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
