Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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