So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
