i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
