I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
