When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
