They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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