do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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