i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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