is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
