I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
