I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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