She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
