All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
