Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I am mentally ready for anal.
there is glitter all over my balls
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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