I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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