Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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