Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
