i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
