Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
