I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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