Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
