Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
