Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
