Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
