it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
