a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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