I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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